Saturday, May 30, 2009

Some things are just not in our control...

I live this life with a simple goal that is to be determined in what I planned and do. This, somehow imply certainty of success and the least possibility of failure. Of all plans that I have in my life, it is not that they are not successful, it just the time have not yet come for it's success.

Everyday I wake up in the morning, I will think of what to do and I try hard all day long to make it happen. I believe in one this, if I think it can happen, it will happen, most of the time, it was as such.

But what trouble me these days is that, I have become to realize, that they are many things in this world that are just beyond our control, life is the biggest thing, that I want to show, that is beyond our control, no matter what we do, if the time has come, we have to go or those who close to us will have to go too, leaving us to struggle the remaining time of our our life.

I just want to share with all of you about my grandmother, she died because of lymphoma, a type of cancer that affects to lymph system. During the middle semester break, I received news that my grandmother was about to die, I did not want to waste any of my time, accompanied by my friend, Taufiq, went to the General Hospital Melaka, all were there, families and relatives. I can say that I was prepared to see her death.

But few days staying at the hospital, she was released from the ICU and allowed to return home, I said to one of the doctors, why? They simply said, that your family does not want us to treat her, fine, I am a grandchild, what much right did I have back then. So, I stayed with her for a week along the break, not sleeping, watching her, she getting better.

As for me it was a sign of hope, so I tried to call few people that I know to see whether, they are any alternative treatment for cancer, since the conventional treatment was not suitable, considering her body condition. I went back to the university, slightly late, a day, and tried to find people who can help, but in the first week after the holiday, exactly in the early morning, I received a call from my mother, that my grandmother is dead.

I do not know how to describe my feelings then, look she recovered, that is hope, I was looking for aid, she died. Yes, I was prepared to accept her death but not after she showed some signs of getting well. This is one of the thing that is beyond our control.

Another story is about my friend, Rido was his name, still is as he died but not his name nor his memories. We went for a picnic at Kalumpang, Tanjugn Malim, Perak some people say that it is still in Selangor, but that is not the concern here.

Initially we planned to go to Genting, everyone was in financially unstable positions, so some of us worked for money (I hasten the selling of my laptop, while others, tried to make some money, all we know back then, that we do not want to borrow) for all of us can go together, since money was the issue, we change the plan and go for the picnic.

He, my late friend didn't want to go, he refused, saying that he have some work to do and that he wanted to return to his family, but we scolded him, it was not harsh as that is the way among us, he went there together. There, indeed we had fun, the chicken BBQ was great and cheap, thanks to Edy that is, we also had a lot of fun with the water as the current was so strong, normal to be after rain. We went back without any incident.

But exactly after a week we went back, Rido suffered from a fever, we thought it was ok, normal, but it continued for 3 days, so we asked him better to consult doctor, that he did, he was diagnosed with dengue fever. A day after, we planned to take him to the hospital, but he said he will go to the Pusat Kesihatan UiTM, see whether the feel it necessary to sent him to the hospital. Exactly, on friday of that week, after solat jumaat, he bought me some yogurt, we had our time together talking about lives and his intention of quitting from smoking - in fact he did, because he is dead now, unable to smoke anymore.

He asked my help to send him to PK, I said of course, I looked at him, he said he feel sleepy and wanted to take a short nap, fine, take your time I said. Then, I woke up, to check on him, still asleep, tak sampai hati wanted to wake him up, I let him, I fell asleep, I realised I woke up exactly at five, and he is not sleeping beside my on the big bantal busuk, he gone for PK, later I was told he was sent to Hospital Klang. We visited him that night, he was very happy to receive us, we were also happy to be there, I remember that I hold his hand for a long time not to let go, not having any feeling, just playing. Then we left.

The next day, in the afternoon, Shah and Edy went there, they know better as I was informed there they received the last word from him, Edy said he said thank you, that he didn't reply, as it was our way not to say thanks, it can be regraded as not normal to us. He igdored him and went back. Exactly at margrib, Kimuk sent a message to Rido, asking how are you?, he received a reply saying that he was in ICU, by her brother, Kimah, we went to the hospital and we were not allowed to enter as it was not the visiting hour, we went back.

In the car, Edy's car, when we were on the way there, we talked as such Rido is going to die, what happens after death, is was a joke, same as the back, we talked, critized him, Edy said, "ko sakit macam kene kanser", that one I was told after his death. When we arrive at Shah Alam, at 8.30pm, we received call saying that Rido his dead, no one can accept it back then, I rushed to the house telling everybody about it, They don't believe in me, I was very mad, they know better of my expression. Even before that, in the car, when Irna was informed about Rido being admitted to ICU, she didn't believe, maybe because we always make jokes.

We went back and learned that the death was caused by virus called Laptospirosis or Virus Kencing Tikus, that he received three weeks before his death, all of us felt the guilt especially Edy, it was unbearable, I was still able to control myself from grief that night. Let me not describe the details of that night, it haunted us, makes us hopeless. We helped, in what we can do to quicken his arrangements, the are almost more than 50 people there, to wich their last respect, friends, course mate, families, and et cetera.

He was very close to us, his friend from his course told me that he is a lonely person, as he don't mixed too mush with his course mates, he ususally with us, we are his companions, close I think, he is not that lonely because he is with us, dine with us, share enjoyments and troubles with us, he is talkaltive and expressive to us which is against what his course mate to me, why, because he is very very close to us.

It will never be the same again, I'm not sure we will play badminton at HEP anymore, as he was the planner of playing badminton at HEP at the middle of the night mostly.

What happened to him, is beyond my control, i don't know how to describe it, it was just that, I can't really say much, just sad to learn again that it was beyond my control...

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